A Letter to a Friend
Rambling about 2023
Hey,
We used to reflect on the year together, discuss the highlights, the lowlights, laugh at our stupidities and list down all the lessons we learned along the way. I just realized that we only saw each other 5 times this year, whereas before we would see each other at least 5 times a week.
You know I miss our shared laughs, chats and conversations. But hey — now I can share my lessons in one single letter. I kinda like the idea in this time of instant gratification and hasty text messages.
Looking back at last year, I feel lighter, and I guess that indicates progress. But wait, let me tell you all about it.
Stop the chase
I finally realised that chasing is counterproductive. You know better than anyone else, how much I could chase the next glittery thing. How goal-oriented, to-do-list focused, and disciplined I could be in the pursuit of what I thought I wanted.
From being fit and photogenetic to being liked and having money. But the more I chased what I wanted, the more I felt the lack. The more I wanted to be good-looking, the more self-conscious and unattractive I felt. The more I chased money, the poorer I became.
Only now, after the last few years, I slowly let go of the need to be liked, to be accepted or to not be alone, the more I feel all the love, appreciation and joy that was already around me. Even better, all that was already within me.
It is time to stop the chase.
Breaking out of prison
So I hear you thinking — what changed? What made this type A go-getter transform into someone who embraces patience and flow?
I heard a quote a few months ago that made me stop for a second. It was said on a podcast, in passing, but it stuck with me ever since.
“Instead of asking how to get what you want, ask yourself what is stopping you from having it.”
Which walls did I build that stop me from feeling the love, freedom and peace I want — that we all want?
I felt like I saw the world with a new pair of eyes after being blind for several years. I finally noticed all the walls I unconsciously built around myself. How all these walls together formed an invisible prison around me, a prison almost impossible to escape.
Stop playing the game
Walls like the need to look good, to always be fit, to be funny, and the desire to be validated. The need to make and have enough money, or the deep-rooted desire for control. I want to be thoughtful, to be calm and be kind.
The problem is that it works, I successfully built systems that led to more money or a higher status. It feels like winning, but it works counterproductive. Because good habits and hard work might lead to more money, but after a certain point it doesn’t lead to more stability and peace.
The cup will never be full. You can not fulfil internal needs with external solutions. You can not let your feeling of happiness and peace depend on outward circumstances. It just doesn’t work that way.
This leads to the opposite of freedom. It is a neverending tiring game. Once you finally have the feeling you mastered one level, the next level begins. The goalpost keeps shifting.
Starting your own business to feel freer, chasing relationships to feel more loved or chasing the sun to feel happier doesn’t work. True happiness is independent of the situation.
Deep down I already knew this, but only after achieving enough of my goals did I finally accept the deeper truth behind it. It is a neverending game that I don’t want to play anymore.
Don’t listen to the screaming toddler
What got you here, won’t get you there. Instead of setting future goals, I am trying to become more aware of the walls I have built.
You wouldn’t believe me, but last week, I didn’t do my hair and still went out for walks and had some Teams calls. Trying to not care about what the others would think of me. And I recently declined a higher-paying job, for no other reason than that it simply didn’t feel right.
It isn’t easy. There is this voice inside my head screaming when I decide to step out of my comfort zone. Every moment I might do something that feels scary, the screaming toddler inside my head loses his shit.
But instead of giving in, I try to relax — and do it anyway.
To me, this is true courage. Not climbing Mount Everest, not skydiving or cave diving, but breaking down the personal walls we have built up since we were a little kid. Choosing to say hi to a girl, while being afraid of rejection. Choosing to go on holiday by yourself, while being afraid of being alone. Choosing to dance, while knowing others will laugh at you.
Bravery is in the small daily choices, the choice to break out of your prison, drop the mask, release the pressure, ignore the screaming toddler and rejoin the dance of life.
Love is not something to be found
Sometimes I wonder who we are if we are not that voice inside our head. We are not our job, not our clothes, not our body, nor our emotions or thoughts. Are we consciousness, are we energy, are we ‘God’?
I start to believe that all the mystics, from the old Greeks to Rumi, to the Bible and Buddha are all saying the same thing using different words. I hope there is more to life, something we can’t understand that connects us all. Especially in these times of global polarisation and war.
I don’t know, and probably we will never know, but it brings me to love. As I told you before, I believe that the biggest change of this year has been related to love. This year, I let love in again, or to be precise, I let love out. I don’t believe love is something we search and find. Love is something that is there all the time.
But, I built walls around it, scared of being hurt or hurting others. It is hard to love again after you experienced heartbreak or rejection in the past.
But if we strip away those fears, all that we are truly left with is a wonderful combination of love, peace and freedom. A feeling that is hard to describe with words.
So this year I tried, I tried to be less afraid, to date more seriously again, and to let people see all of me. Including all the imperfections. To slowly break down those walls I built. To break through the walls I built.
Love is not to be found, it is already there. All you need to do is release it.
A reality to experience
All fears in the end come from a fear of dying. The fear of being laughed at, the fear of being ridiculed, the fear of being lonely or losing control would all disappear if you only had 10 days left to live. We wouldn’t care anymore.
As a species, we want to survive and make babies. So we have a deep built-in need for survival. But we kinda lost track of what is worth stressing over.
Which made me forget too often to see what a truly magical place this earth actually is. Why do we ever want to go to Mars? I mean, when I watch dogs play, kids dance or observe the stars at night, I can’t stop myself from feeling a deep sense of awe and calmness, grateful for witnessing this miracle unfolding in front of my eyes.
It makes me less worried about the future. Realising the vastness of everything around us, makes me realise more and more how marginal our influence on anything really is. There is no control. We have no control.
I guess I will find out how life will unfold. Whatever way, it will be a magical ride, with ups and downs. Life is not a journey to complete, but a reality to experience.
Free to flow
Coming back to the chase, paradoxically enough, I believe that this inner freedom is what makes people truly attractive.
I don’t admire the richest people on earth, but the ones happy without money. I don’t admire the best-looking, but the ones who dare to dance freely. I don’t admire the ones who can travel the world, but the ones who can be themselves in any situation.
I asked myself this morning — would I be okay quitting my job to connect people more deeply all around the world, and help people create what makes them feel alive? Am I okay with having no certainty, and having no plan? Would I be okay?
I think I am. I actually am. And while I write this down, I feel a certain level of freedom, a certain level of rebelliousness. The one who doesn’t have any walls blocking him is literally unstoppable. Like a river without any obstacles is free to flow.
This is my story. I guess most wisdoms feel obvious and trite in hindsight.
Let’s find out what 2024 brings, I can’t wait to see how the story unfolds. And let’s grab a coffee soon, I am looking forward to hearing your stories as well.
Happy New Year,
J
Some books I read this year that are related to this topic; Awareness by Anthony de Mello, Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, The Creative Act by Rick Rubin, and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I loved many other books, the movies Oppenheimer and Past Lives, the feelgood series Ted Lasso and filter coffees from RumBaba.
See ya soon
