The 4 lessons I learned while trying to build real, lasting relationships
We, humans, are social beings and we simply cannot live without others. From the very first moment we were born, we create relationships with the people around us. Despite this being a core part of our being, science proves we struggle more and more with establishing strong and authentic relationships in this digital age.
Myself included, there were times I felt lonely, and without any real friends. No friends with whom I could share my insecurities, doubts or deepest fears. Friends that would be cheering for me without any judgement. Friends like the cliched Harry, Ron and Hermione in the famous Harry Potter series.
I am not alone. YouGov found in their research that a third of all 20- and 30-somethings often feel lonely and 27% indicated they have no close friends. And that was even before COVID.
For me, and probably many others, it was due to insecurity. Social media and peer pressure force you to fit in and conform to the standards of the group. It even earned me the nickname chameleon, the one that always fits in.
However, the problem with chameleons is that they become invisible. And that is exactly how I felt.
I realised that always fitting in maybe sounds like a nice strategy, but it also means you can never be yourself. To be honest, I didn’t even know who I was.
So, a year ago I started with one simple question; how to create meaningful relationships? And in this blog, I will share 4 lessons that I learned during my journey.
1. Dare to express your truth.
You don’t have to be a top football player, an influencer with thousands of followers or lead a worldwide climate movement to be called a role model. You also don’t have to be a role model for everyone; not for your parents, your colleagues or your current friends. In fact, instead of thinking about others, you first have to go inside.
When I decided I wanted closer friendships, I did the one thing that you probably wouldn’t expect: I closed everyone off. I had contact with only a small group of people, and I was mainly reflecting, meditating and asking myself questions. Questions regarding my values, my beliefs and my goals in life. Who I am and who do I want to become?
Those answers defined how I want to show up in life; not faded away in the background, but standing for compassion, optimism, inclusion, honesty, courage and love. As a result, not everyone will like you. Your closest friends or parents will not always understand where this comes from or think you are crazy. And therefore, it will be lonely at first.
But if you have the courage to speak your truth, and to reach out to people and communities with the same values, you will find that you will attract a lot of new people into your life - people you feel an instant click with. But in order to find others or be found, you should have the courage to speak up and make yourself seen. The right people will love you for it.
2. Decide who is in.
I will state the obvious; you have to generously care about others to establish close relationships. You have to give them your time, energy and your best effort. Adam Grant, the famous researcher found that the matchers (I do something for you — you do something for me) do not create the most valuable relationships, but rather, the givers do. The people that give more than they get.
“Your life is not about you, it’s about how you touch others around you” — Neal Donald Walsch
However, there is a disclaimer to this. Yes, you should give to others, contribute and help others. But overdoing this will cause burn-outs. You need to set boundaries. Clearly defined boundaries regarding who you help and who’s not in scope.
Personally, deciding who I can help and who I can’t is extremely hard. I try to map my friends, colleagues and others in different circles around me, as in a shooting target. The closer to the bull’s eye, the more help they will get.
3. Ask for help.
Everyone is always busy. Answering emails, having meetings, social activities, kids - I don’t know, but in the Western world we seem busy all the time. Therefore, I always had the notion I should leave people alone and not disturb them.
Know that in order to create a bond, you have to do the complete opposite. You have to ask for help.
The human being is a social animal, and we are built to collaborate. In fact, without collaboration, we wouldn’t have been the dominant species on earth. So, human nature invented a great chemical to enhance collaboration. If we help another person, a shot of oxytocin will be released in the brain, which simply makes us happier.
Meaning, others will literally feel better if you allow them to help you.
But there is more. I had a fear of driving for 6 years. One day, I asked a friend of mine to help me. Later he told me that this question made our friendship so much stronger. I showed trust by a) admitting my fear, and b) by allowing him to influence my life.
Some obvious tips to keep in mind:
- Only ask for help if you really want the help, and don’t use it as a trick to get someone to like you
- Make a propositional request - it is normal to ask a close friend for help, but asking a celebrity or someone you barely know to help you with driving is just silly
- Only ask for help if they can really help you - asking someone without a driver’s license to teach you how to drive makes no sense.
4. It is your move.
We are extremely bad at listening. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, share their opinions and feel important. It’s our ego that wants to feel important. We were all guilty of asking someone how they were doing without listening to the answer.
It’s pretty easy to get deep and meaningful conversations if you start listening and encourage others to speak about themselves. A simple why (overdoing it will make you a creep) will often do the trick.
If that doesn’t work, you can try something else. Start.
Simply start with being vulnerable yourself. You don’t have to tell your whole life story, but sharing some recent personal dilemmas or worries can bring the conversation to a whole new level. By doing so you show your trust in the other person. And there is a high chance that the other will reciprocate the behaviour and open up too.
This can even be done in a professional setting.
Imagine seeing someone who you met just once 6 months ago. This person walks up to you and not only remembers your name, the company you work for and the projects you work on but also in which city you lived and that you were practising your cooking skills. Boom, I would feel special.
The question is how do you manage this when you meet hundreds or even thousands of people every single year? Personally, I created an overview suggested by Keith Ferrazzi in his book ‘Never Eat Alone’. I have an Airtable including names, notes, and the date of the last time we have spoken.
First, it felt a bit extreme to write all this down. But having such a list makes every conversation a bit of a treasure hunt. And getting into conversations to really discover the other person also became the fastest way to learn. I realised I have colleagues who are amazing cooks and other friends who are interested in breathing techniques. By asking about it, I learn so much new interesting stuff and I grow my relationships.
I still need to learn, open up and grow. And this post is hopefully a part of it. If you have any tips, recommendations or questions yourself, I would love to connect. And include you in my table.
Love,
