How I Would Improve Dating Apps
People ask me why I write on Medium on a regular basis. Why would I write down my unfiltered thoughts out in the open, and share them with others around me? It may come across as attention-seeking behavior and lead to unnecessary negative reactions.
And you know what, they are right.
There are some possible downsides to publicly sharing your vulnerable thoughts. However, they do not see the long-term possible advantages of doing it.
I believe that there are countless people out there with a beautiful vision. Unfortunately, if you really want to make a change in the world, having a beautiful vision is not enough.
You will have to share it. Nobody would know Marten Luther King, Brené Brown, or Barack Obama before they started giving speeches or Ryan Holiday before he started writing books.
I do not want to compare myself in any way with the people above, it is just to illustrate a point. Having a great noble vision on how you want to change the world is a great start, but given that you cannot achieve the vision alone, you also have to share it with others.
That is why I write on Medium. I write because there are some problems in this world I deeply care about. Problems I would love to solve or at least make a little bit better. Problems like sustainability, inequality, or global polarisation.
For long, I thought I — Jeroen — was not capable of doing something about these big world problems. I mean, why me? How could I ever solve these?
However, the narrative changed after talking with more and more people. Talking to people from every corner of the world made me realize that I am part of the 0,5% of the wealthiest people living on this earth. I live a stable, comfortable, and financially wealthy life.
If some have the ability to change something in the world, it is us. In fact, I believe it is on us. If we want to change something in the world, we have the duty to do it.
And there is enough going wrong in the world to work on. We can almost cherry-pick the problems we care about. At this moment in time, I care deeply about forming relationships. I think we do a terrible job in establishing deep and meaningful connections with others around us.
With dating apps as the ultimate example.
The struggle of small talk
Ihave been approximately single for 1.5 years now, giving me exactly the me-time I needed. It pushed me to think about questions I never had to think of before. Questions like: “what do I find important” and “who do I want to become?” The time alone gave me the opportunity to rethink my priorities and ambitions, to define the things I like and dislike, and where I want to go.
However, I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. I love romance.
But the opportunities to find potential romantic partners during this lockdown are limited. We do not have any bars, restaurants, or surprising meetups at festivals or clubs. The only place to meet new potential partners is by boringly swiping left and right. The only place you can easily meet new people these days is online.
These are flourishing times for dating apps. And the major global dating apps have seen a huge increase in traffic during the pandemic. And I know a lot of people who successfully found their potential partners via these modern swipe machines, but I am struggling.
I consider myself to be socially awkward. I love having deep conversations regarding the world around us, about different cultures, about your ambitions and dreams. But I pass for the gossip about celebs, too much bad news, or the weather. I find small talk difficult, it requires so much energy. Which makes starting conversations on dating apps a nightmare.
The struggle with interests
The biggest problem is not the small talk, it is way before we eventually start to chat. My main struggle is swiping. How can I ever decide who I am going to like if I only see 5 best photos and a funny joke in your bio?
All online profiles look kind of similar. Sure, people have different interests, one likes painting, the other prefers reading, and number three enjoys cycling. But those are no deal-breakers to me. I am fine with all three.
I desire a woman with passion and creativity, the exact passion itself is almost irrelevant to me.
Stricter filters would make the selecting process way easier. However “I am only going to like women who like their coffee with oat milk and have reading as a hobby” might make it easier, but does not make any sense to me.
The struggle with location
Another popular option is simply limiting your hunting area. Changing the ratio to just 1 kilometer would limit the options. Besides, it would make dating easier, given that you do not have to travel to the other side of the country for a quick coffee date.
I am different. I love my hometown Rotterdam, but I do not mind living somewhere else. Especially because recent times have shown the endless possibilities of remote working. I speak English quite well and have some close friends from India, Switzerland, and the United States. Why think in terms of borders, if the internet created a global society enabling you to connect with anyone within seconds?
I am fine with meeting someone living two streets away, but I also do not mind connecting with someone from Chili or Sweden.
What is my ideal?
I do not think the best selection criteria are someone’s location or someone’s coffee preference.
I want to select based on your dreams, passions, values, and based on what you find important in the world. I want to know the activities that excite you and the things that deeply matter to you. I want to know how a day in your ideal life would look like and your deepest fears.
But yeah. Maybe I am too naïve or idealistic.
Maybe I am. But I believe it is worth a try. I believe the world would be a better place if we have stronger connections and better relationships. And I believe this does not only matter for dating, it may be even more important for couples that are together. They could use some in-depth conversations instead of another night watching Netflix.
It could matter for parents with children, for siblings, and for groups of close friends. It could matter among colleagues, roommates, and sports teams.
I believe there has never been a greater need for deeper connections than in the polarizing times we are facing now. I believe we would have less hate and despair if we would just try to understand each other better.
And that starts by asking better questions on a daily basis — to others and to ourselves.
And I am willing to help with solving this global problem. Since it matters to me. How? Small daily steps or starting a world-changing company? No clue yet, we will see.
Why me? Why not me?
Since this is what matters to me. Now it is your turn - what would you like to change in this world?
