How to strengthen relationships?
3 questions you can start asking today.
Covid was the worst thing that could happen to our date life¹ and in Europe, more than half of the marriages do not make it through.² There are more users than ever on dating apps, but only a small group indicates to be content.³
We are more connected yet feeling more misunderstood and alone than ever.
I am not an expert in relationships. I am single and have no background as a relationship therapist or alike.
Despite that, I write about relationships and what to do to strengthen them — because it fascinates me deeply.
What does a good relationship need?
I would like to start by defining our terms. In this article, a relationship means two people that are already in a love relationship. However, the lessons and tips could be applicable to all other relationships you have, with friends, family members and while dating.
Good relationships are not relationships with an absence of any conflicts, without any disagreement or friction. In fact, these elements can contribute to a solid relationship.
Or as the famous podcaster and writer Tim Ferris⁴ states:
“A person’s success in relationships can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
My goal is not to propose a perfect list for a stress-free relationship, instead I want to give some simple tips that could improve your relationship from tomorrow onwards.
Firstly, by listing what I believe is important and second with some practical questions you could ask your significant other.
1. Mutual attraction
Dating apps are built solely around assessing others’ physical appearance. And therefore we post five of our absolute best photos, including our fitness or bikini body and dazzling smile. I have been guilty as fuck.
Let’s be clear. In relationships, physical attraction is important, and therefore taking care of yourself is an absolute must. Making sure you smell nice, you are groomed and you have well-fitted clothes are simply no brainers. But attraction is more than just your looks.
Almost everyone will see a decrease in their physical appearance after the age of 35, regardless of their level of hygiene or care. For sure, there are celebrities that still look smoking hot in their 50s (Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt), but these are exceptions to the rule.
If your whole relationship and self-worth are based on how hot and sexy you are, you are going to face a difficult time soon. Attractiveness in your relationship should be based on more than just your looks.
I have a suggestion.
2. Overlapping values
Personally, I am into women that know who they are and what they stand for. Women who know what their values are. And without going too deep into vague self-help advice, we can state that everyone finds different things in life important.
To be honest, it took some time to discover what I really care about. If you would have asked me that question a few years ago I would have probably looked at you quite puzzled. And after some time, I would — with a voice full of doubt — have said: “friends and family?”
Currently, my answer would be completely different. I still find friends and family important, but after a year of self-work, I know better what my priorities are in all aspects of life.
Before you can ever have a good relationship, you need to figure out what you find important. You need to know what makes you tick.
The core of a good relationship is not that you both love professional cycling, or watching football. This similarity can be really practical, but it could also become boring. A difference in hobbies or interests keeps you way more interesting over time.
However, in case of values, you can better be on the same page. Life is only going to work out if you both prefer about the same level of peace or calmness or the same level of adventure. But before you can determine together what you prefer as a couple, you have to be finished (or at least started) with your own soul searching.
3. Conversations about the future
“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation” - Oscar Wilde
The idea that conversations are important will not surprise you. The key is the kind of conversations you have. We know it is important to listen to the other, to be empathetic and to be there in times of adversity. We know we should not only have superficial talks regarding the weather, the news or the new cat of the neighbours.
And I would like to add something to that.
We should at least once per month talk about our future. And with that, I do not only mean talks about having kids, moving, marriage or alike. We should make it broader than those big events.
What kind of holidays or adventures do you want to experience together? What would be your dream country to live in? What would your ideal lifestyle and balance between spare time and work look like?
I work daily with early-stage startups, dreamers with a shared future vision trying to change the world. If you are not aligned on this future vision with your cofounders, your startup will be doomed to fail.
I believe that the key to a good relationship is the same: a shared vision for the future.
4. Shared experiences
I graduated as an engineer on the topic of strengthening human connections. In my thesis, I found that next to doing self-work and having deep conversations, another aspect is really important — sharing experiences.
Experiences is another popular buzzword that is often related to crazy activities like deep-sea diving or bungee jumping. I won’t argue that bungee jumping together could not give a boost to your relationship. I just believe you do not necessarily have to jump off a bridge to get closer to your loved one.
Your slow Sunday morning together in bed could count as an experience too, just like a walk, picnic in the park or a cocktail night. A little bit of creativity could lead to the most magical moments, without spending a crazy amount of money.
Knowing yourself is important, conversations about your future are important, but having amazing experiences together could be the most important of all.
How to start deep conversations?
This all sounds so obvious, but it is actually hard to get started. It is easy to have talks about politics, football or gossip about our colleagues. We tend to find it a lot harder to have deep conversations about our emotions, values and dreams.
Therefore, I wrote down some low-key questions you could ask at any calm moment. Questions that can help to understand your partner better and be an easy start into a deeper conversation.
1. How does your perfect weekend look like?
It can be hard to start a casual conversation about someone’s dreams, goals and aspirations. Especially if you normally do not ask these kinds of questions and do not get any deeper than small talk.
However, casually asking your partner about their perfect weekend gives you insights into what he/she likes and prefers.
2. If you could start your own business, what would it be about?
This is an alternative for the classic Miss World question: “What do you want to change in the world?” A lot of people want to change something in the world, but it can also be extremely scary to open up about it.
Instead, asking someone about a business they want to start can be asked almost anytime and can lead to amazing conversations.
3. What made you laugh last week?
Unfortunately, this is often considered to be a hard question. We tend to be in a rush and not pause and think about what we appreciate most in life. If you have a calm moment with a cup of tea on a Wednesday evening or Sunday morning, try asking this question to your partner.
It will show them you are really interested in their life, and it feels less woo-woo than asking what made them grateful.
And then just wait for their eyes to light up and the conversation to start.
Enjoy, Jeroen
Footnotes:
1: BBC — Why the pandemic is causing spikes in breakups and divorces
2: Statista — Divorce rates in European countries
3: Surveymonkey — Dating apps and sites are almost as common as they are disliked
4: Tim Ferris = Tim Ferris website
