I want to talk about us, men.
Some personal thoughts on masculinity
I am sitting down on the stairs in front of the Cathedral in Barcelona. It is Friday night, a few minutes past 8 pm and still pleasantly warm. I am surrounded by some students, a group of chatting elderly and a handful of tourists trying to take their best photo of this Gothic masterpiece before they rush further to the Ramblas.
An old Spanish man plays the trumpet less than 5 meters in front of me — and despite not exactly being Louis Armstrong — he is the reason I still sit here. His music brings just that little bit extra, like the music in a restaurant or the background music of a good movie. Ever saw a movie without sound effects and music? Utterly boring. Music brings a scene to life.
I am not the only one enjoying the efforts of the old man, given the many kids — boys and girls — on the big square dancing without holding back. Freely and happy, encouraged by all the parents around them.
Why do we actually stop dancing?
Strangely enough, we only see kids till the age of 5 dancing on the streets like this. We do not see teenagers letting themselves go. At least — not sober.
Why? Because we don’t want to? Or because it isn’t considered normal?
What did you like doing when you were 5 years of age? In case you forgot, please ask your parents or siblings, they will be able to tell you. According to them, I was mainly creative — I created my own lyrics to songs and could draw for hours.
But then, my teenage years arrived and my hobbies changed along with me. Drawing became graphical and web design and that further evolved into a stable job in innovation. I am still allowed to be creative.
However, in a frantic effort to be liked at the age of 11, I changed my sweet love songs into rap songs about women and money. Surprisingly enough, to find out this wasn’t really suiting me.
Conversations with friends became more and more about beers, women and football instead of passions, struggles and feelings.
Again why? It is just the way it is. Our masculine role models are portrayed as strong, intellectual and stable individuals. From Elon Musk to top athletes to fictive characters like James Bond.
I not only believe that this ideal is flawed and limited, but I also believe that it is causing some major problems. We still live in a society where women have to worry about their safety when walking outside during the night. Whereby they have to share their location or continuously look over their shoulders.
Unfortunately, I do not expect this to change overnight. But, I do believe that creating a culture that normalizes uncomfortable, emotional conversations can help. To realise there is more than just cars, football and women.
I actually notice that writing this is uncomfortable for me. I am now wondering how you might react to this. If you find it weak, soft, extreme, attention-seeking or just bullshit.
However, I believe we have a responsibility to do our best in solving these issues. If that makes me a naive dreamer, fine — I take that as a compliment.
Conversations about feelings
When I was an ignorant teenager, I struggled at times with my dad, who I considered to be an absolute softie.
Instead of teaching me how to fish, fight, repair things or watching formula 1, we went for endless walks, swims or read books. Instead of being solely focused on his career, he started to structurally work less when I was born — so he could enjoy his kids more.
Looking back, I wish I had realized how cool he actually was.
We are not perfect. We are still trying to improve our conversations about feelings, something that does not come naturally yet.
And we are not quite alone in that. Based on conversations I had with friends, a lot of others experience this too, like an invisible wall that is built up.
It can be with your dad, son, brothers or friends. But let’s all try to talk — next to politics, football and cars — a little bit more about our feelings, emotions and struggles. And start dancing after that.
