Why focusing on my strengths was just not enough
The reason why I finally started facing my long-hidden fears
I have always seen myself as a coward. Since I was a little kid, I always tried to prevent the things I didn’t like to do. The pattern was something like this;
I tried. But after several tries without any success, I would stop. I would determine it wasn’t something for me and I would simply give up.
Later in life, I gave myself the excuse that this behaviour was completely fine. This behaviour made sure we simply focus on our strengths instead of our weaknesses.
In hindsight, I now realise the consequences of this behaviour. I have not driven in a car (despite having a license) for 7 years straight, I can’t ice skate, I never dared to present for large groups or train my backhand swing.
To be honest, I also didn’t really need it. I still played on a semi-professional level, could use public transport and simply didn’t give any presentations.
I focused on the things I was good at and lived a comfortable life in the comfort zone. Life was pretty good.
So, why would I focus on tackling my fears? I realized last year, that I am not really scared of driving a car or ice skating. I am more scared of what others might think of me when I might fail. I was — like many others — afraid to be a beginner. Afraid to admit there are things I cannot do yet. Afraid to be ridiculed.
And this fear can have a huge negative effect on my life.
It is terrifying to try to overcome your fears. However, it is even more terrifying if you have to ask yourself at the end of your life “what if, what if I just dared to do it”.
That is why I decided to stop avoiding my long-hidden fears. This habit has to be stopped and replaced by one of showing courage.
Where to start?
After I made the decision I want to start, I had the question of how to actually start. The list of collected fears and activities I never dared to try was endlessly long. I was afraid to be photographed, afraid of driving, afraid of speaking in English and I could not cook. I didn’t dare to be open and vulnerable. I didn’t dare to go to events or places, afraid of who I might bump into.
Some famous writers refer to use your fears as a compass. My problem is that I wasn’t aware of which direction to walk. I had no single clue what fear to tackle first. So, I started doing them all. I started cooking, I started taking driving lessons, I started working out and I practised presenting. I started to tackle all my fears in small steps, every single day.
My problem is that I wasn’t aware of which direction to walk. I had no single clue what fear to tackle first.
Now I know that the question of what fear to tackle first isn’t really relevant. Why? When you always avoided difficulties, you need to overwrite that habit first. Regardless of the fear you pick, by facing them you slowly build the habit of being courageous.
There has been written a lot about how to tackle your fears. Some of these articles advise having a bigger purpose, others advise a strong social circle or positive self-talk.
Seeking clarity is what helped me most. I spent nights trying to understand who I am and what kind of values I find important.
And when I forced myself to do something I am scared of; when my heartbeat raised, and I feel the sweat coming, that’s the moment I had to remind myself of my values. And do it.
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the feeling of fear and doing it anyway.
Flash forward to today
The next two days I will drive at least 600 km in my car. The last months, I let people take pictures of me and I cook daily for myself and others. And if we are lucky to have some frozen canals this year, I will also give ice skating a chance.
All these small acts of courage cumulate to make me a more courageous person overall. And now I feel l am ready to tackle my deepest fears.
My biggest accomplishments are not related to me driving or cooking, but those are related to the blogs you are reading right now.
They are open and honest and accessible to everyone. My colleagues, family and friends could possibly find them by just googling my name.
My biggest fear is the judgment of others. And I am aiming all my current energy on slowly overcoming exactly that. I know in which direction I should start walking, I finally know how to use my compass.
I will start with a social media account soon, continue with writing these blogs and hopefully one day be able to give speeches.
Because that is who I want to be. I want to create, I want to care and I want to share my stories. I want to show up and express myself. And a little bit of fear is not enough to stop me.
Since what I really fear is that one single scenario. The scenario of me being an old grumpy man thinking “what if, what if I just did it..”
